Chosen family
In the summer of 2023, I arrived in Amsterdam with nothing but two suitcases (mostly filled with books), eager to find out what my life in this city would look like. Two years earlier, I had left my family home in Poland and boarded a plane that took me to England. Each move was both a great privilege and a leap of faith, marked by a hope to find a place I could call my home. Arranging a new life in a foreign country has two steps to it - the first one is simpler, albeit still difficult, finding housing, work, and education. Finding community and a sense of belonging when all your friends and family are suddenly a thousand miles away, is a completely different undertaking. There are no guidelines, no shortcuts to it - some get lucky, as I did, some search for years to feel like they belong somewhere. Some leave for a different place again - as do many students after they complete their education. Some decide to stay, cultivating relationships developed over the years. And today, as I sit surrounded by friends who feel like family, in a house I call my home, I wonder what this belonging means to different people.
Chosen family means safety and security, knowing that you will be taken care of even if your relatives are far away
To me, my chosen family means a tightly knit community of people I love very much, without whom this city would not feel like home. Whether it is an offer of making dinner for someone who is feeling unwell, helping with groceries, or accompanying each other to doctor’s appointments, chosen family means safety and security, knowing that you will be taken care of even if your relatives are far away. It means the joy of having people around you to share your life with. All of us having been shaped by the unique circumstances of the places we have come from, I decided to ask the people closest to me what chosen family meant to them.
B: “To me, chosen family means the continuous decision to show up for the people you choose to show up for. You can start out as friends, but over time it becomes hard to describe them as just a friend because they’ve been there for you so many times. For me, every friend who I’ve loved very deeply has become family because they are a part of who I am. I pick up their habits, I make food the way they taught me to. They are able to change a person they have met. Chosen family means a network of love which can stretch and strain but it will always be there.”
P: “Chosen family resembles a group of people or community you connect with on a regular basis, who in one way or another can satisfy an emotional need or the trust you cannot find with your own family. Some people have a view of what an ideal family would be, but I do feel like with a chosen family it all comes more naturally - you have a different way of seeing those people, compared to blood relatives.”
Ø: “I think rather than a community, I see my chosen family as friends that I have around me, but it’s mostly just individuals that sometimes collide because of me. It doesn’t even have to be a group of friends, just people I have gathered around me because I want them there. It is especially about trust and love, it is the people you resonate with the most. So to me, chosen family means almost everything.”
Amsterdam is a dynamic city - people from all over the world move here in hopes of a better life, job prospects, education, and a promising future. It is difficult to stop and reflect, it is even more difficult to prioritize connections and friendships in the era of individualism. And yet, something that we all ultimately long for is a safety network and a feeling of community. In a home away from home, a chosen family can fill these gaps. It is a particular relationship - one where lives revolve around each other to a certain extent. You care for each other during illness, support in times of grief - you not only share your present, but you envision your future together as well.