Open relationships

For over a year now, I’ve been trying to create openness in my relationships. When I talk about it, reactions surprise me. Some are interested in the idea, some are scared. Some associate it with a free pass for sex, and some see it as negligence of the connection you have with your partner. For me, it’s about letting your relationships grow into what you want them to be, nurturing freedom for everyone involved.

Traditional relationships
Traditional relationships regularly come with predefined agreements: we expect to see each other regularly, have sex a number of times a week, should strive to move in together, go on holidays together, become sexually exclusive, meet each the other’s friends and family, commit to life forever together, etc. Although many of these agreements can be beautiful to make, we have unique personal needs and desires that might not comply with those agreements. Besides, believing an agreement is a requirement devalues the beauty of it. For example, if we believe we must find someone to spend our life with, the person we commit to becomes the best we could find. Instead, by recognizing the option of happiness without a life partner, the agreement becomes a choice, only made if that person amplifies your life.

At the beginning of a relationship, we can easily live with the agreements of a traditional relationship. However, when the initial excitement ebbs away, they might feel restricting. As we think these agreements are obligatory, we don’t recognize that we may question them and opt out. We would rather bend the rules: we pretend sickness to avoid Christmas with the step family, we break up because co-living doesn’t work out, or we cheat on our partner. When this happens, we doubt whether the connection was “real” love.

Real love
I don’t think that compliance with traditional-relationship values defines “real” love. In her book All About Love, bell hooks notes our inability to discuss love intellectually, as we see it as an obvious, universal feeling. In order to discuss love, she proposes M. Scott Peck’s definition: “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. As I see it, you aim at the spiritual growth of the other by (1) supporting their dreams, (2) providing security and pleasure, and (3) respecting each other’s needs. 
Considering this definition of love, relationships don’t require a predefined structure. Meeting your step family at Christmas does not define your love, nor does living together or the commitment to be together forever after. Love is understanding and exploring each other’s depth. This may be temporary or eternal.

Opening relationships
Entering into a relationship should begin with interest: What do we want to build together? Doing so without a predefined structure gives freedom. We can choose what we want to share and what not; which commitments to make, and which not. I try to do this respectfully and with care. So, rather than neglecting my partners’ feelings by just doing whatever I want to do, I discuss and explore our boundaries. This allows us to discover unknown territories, with a sense of security that I had never known before.

One partner I have known for over a year. Since she has been travelling, our communication has been online. We discuss our dreams, our hardships and pleasures. Sometimes, we share about loving encounters with other people. Whereas this was first a painful topic, it has become easy and natural. For me, I unexpectedly enjoy her sharing these encounter, as it creates intimacy and trust: she has other interesting people in her life, but she still wants me too!
The above is only one example of how I find more freedom in my life through opening my relationships. There are still many areas that I want to explore. For example, although someone initially attracted me, we ended up becoming “just friends”. Since then, we are exploring other ways of intimacy together, we cuddle, walk hand-in-hand on the street together, give kisses, without ever moving towards sex. How intimate can we get, even though it’s clear we will not have sex? Or, more broadly: what distinguishes a friend from a lover, if anything?

Opening my relationships allows me to question traditional structures and play with unknown possibilities. I enjoy people more, as I have less expectations from them and our connection. My relationships, sexual and not, are more pleasurable and intimate, because I let them grow naturally. For now, I am happy not to be sexually exclusive, but I imagine that will change in the future. Opening my relationships has given me more freedom and intimacy, and I believe it can do the same for others.